19 Dec How to Navigate a Stress-Reducing Conversation with Your Partner
One of the greatest predictors of conflict within a relationships is how the couple handles external stress, AKA stress coming from outside of the relationship. This can be from a variety of things: work, extended family, friends, or issues related to physical/mental health. When one partner needs to vent about a situation, the proceeding conversation can either strengthen the relationship or cause conflict.
Each partner can easily make errors with these types of exchanges. Common mistakes include not responding (stonewalling), getting defensive, or criticizing their partner’s behaviors or feelings. Jumping to problem solving is another common mistake. Neither partner should function solely as a problem solver, which is most often the role that people try to play when presented with their partner’s problems. Problem solving is not a negative aspect of a relationship, but utilizing this skill immediately can alienate and frustrate your partner, leading to distance between the couple instead of closeness.
Sometimes, it might feel that a partner is complaining about something silly, or it may be difficult to empathize with a partner. Perhaps your partner is complaining about their boss, and you actually agree with the boss! However, taking the other person’s side (such as the boss), is likely to cause your partner to shut down or become defensive. This could lead to decreased trust in you as a comforting person. They may no longer feel you are a safe person with whom they can share their difficult experiences/feelings with. Making your partner feel understood, safe, and connected is the primary goal. Once you feel you have provided that space, you can ask your partner directly if they feel understood and if they don’t, ask further questions. Such as: “what about this was most upsetting to you?”, “is there anything I can do to support you in this?”, or simply saying, “what do you need in this moment?”. Once that connection is solidified and your partner has successfully de-escalated, then you can move into a problem-solving conversation. This could include discussing how they may have acted differently, or providing an alternative perspective that they didn’t see during the experience.
The desired outcome of these types of conversations is that couples turn towards one another empathetically and without judgment. In these conversations, both partners should be non-judgmental and emotionally engaged listeners. Relationships are strengthened when both partners engage in active listening by asking questions, engaging emotionally, and providing each other space to express difficult emotions.
Written by G3 therapist, Jared Bonnici
