27 Mar How to Give Clear Directions for Kids – the PMTO Model
By G3 Therapist Talar Bagdasarian
When it comes to parenting, sometimes getting your child to model the behavior you want seems impossible. It’s exhausting, frustrating, and sometimes just downright hard. The PMTO (Parent Management Training – Oregon) model offers proven strategies to help parents foster a positive, productive relationship with their children. Part of the PMTO model involves giving “good directions.” We will explain how to give good directions, why they are important, and how it can transform your parenting approach.
A little bit of background information of the PMTO Model. PMTO (Parent Management Training- Oregon) is a model developed by Dr. Gerald Patterson, that focuses on teaching parents/caregivers strategies to manage challenging behaviors from their children and how to help aid in fostering a positive development. It recognizes that parents play a crucial role as the primary agents in their family. Its core principles include encouragement, limit setting, positive parent involvement, monitoring, and problem solving. This model emphasizes the importance of clear and positive instructions (“Good Directions”) as a foundation for good behavior.
What makes a good direction and why is it important? A good direction promotes positive behavior, reduces miscommunication, strengthens relationships, and empowers kids. Children thrive in environments when they know what is expected of them and when things are predictable. Clear/good directions reduce confusion and lay out a blueprint for a successful life. When directions are vague or unclear, this often leads children (and adults) to feel frustrated which can result in maladaptive behaviors. By giving good directions, mutual respect is formed between the child and caregiver as well as helps a child feel capable and confident in their actions.
Some of the key characteristics of a good direction, according to the PMTO Model, include clarify, positivity, age-appropriate requests, consistency, and calm delivery. Clarification involves using specific language to help a child know exactly what is being asked of them. Instead of simply saying “stop doing that!”, instead say, “Sit still in your chair.” Positivity includes not using “don’t” statements. Focus on what you want your child to do instead of what not to do. For children/toddlers, keep it simple. For teenagers, directions can include more explanation when needed. Be calm when you are giving directions, as it avoids escalation for both the parent and the child. And most important, stay consistent. Follow through every time you give a direction to avoid your child questioning your authority in the long run.
When you are giving a good direction,start by being physically close to their child, making sure you have their attention. For many kids, this may include pacing a hand on their shoulder. Only when you are close and have their attention can you provide the good direction: NAME + do _____(direction)_______ now + please. For example this would look like, “Jessica, go get your backpack ready for school now, please.” By saying the child’s name, you are grabbing their attention, you are then being firm with your request, and you are showing respect by adding the “please” at the end. If your child does not comply, wait 10 seconds, and in the same neutral tone, repeat the formula. Once your child completes what you asked of them, praise them or thank them. This offers a positive reward and encourages them to continue this behavior in the future. If you are asking your child to do something different, make sure the direction involves the replacement behavior. Quick Tip: Practice giving directions during calm moments so it feels natural in more challenging situations.
It is very easy and common to fall into certain traps when giving directions. Afterall, we are only human and to strive for perfection would be an impossible goal to accomplish. Every parent is guilty of doing at least one of these, but to be aware is the first step in changing your approach.
Traps:
Drive-Through – Rushing quickly past the child saying, “Go get dressed. It’s time to go.” The parent is gone before completing the direction.
Too Many Words: “After you are finished with what you are doing, you have to do X …. because …. and don’t forget to … and furthermore … “
Nag/Scold: (In a very unpleasant voice) “How many times do I have to tell you to do something! You never do what you’re supposed to do. Why can’t you be like other kids? I can’t stand it any longer!!!”
Unclear/Vague: “Let ‘s not do that anymore.” “You know better than that!” “What did I tell you!”
Hostile/Sarcastic: “You call this clean?”
Question: “Would you like to fold the laundry now?” “How about setting the table?”
Depressed: (Very flat with downcast eyes) “All I need is for you to go and sit at the table (sigh).”
Long Distance: (Standing at the bottom of the stairs) “Hurry up and get ready for school!”
Threats: “If you don’t get this room picked up now, I’m going to put all your stuff in a garbage bag and take it to the dump.”
Beg/Plead: “Can’t you be a good boy and do what mommy says?”
Stop/Don’t: “Stop fighting!” “Don’t go in the street!”
Clear and positive directions, demonstrated by the PMTO Model, can transform your relationship with your child and also yourself. By using these techniques, you can encourage better behavior, reduce conflict, and nurture a stronger and happier family bond. Parenting is tough, but it is important to remember that it is a process of growth. No one gets it right away. Take one step at a time, be consistent, and trust yourself and the process!
