13 Mar Gentle Parenting
by Talar Bagdasarian, G3 Therapist
“Gentle Parenting” has been a buzzword over the past couple years in how to raise your children, but nobody seems to know what it really means and how to apply it to their children. With social media posts flying around, there is a lot of misinformation and myths about gentle parenting, deterring parents from adopting its techniques. Every family is different and there is no one size fits all when it comes to raising children. Here are some tips, tricks, and information about gentle parenting that may be beneficial for a mom, dad, grandparent, or anyone who is interested in raising children.
The foundation of gentle parenting is a compassionate approach to parenting that emphasizes connection, respect, empathy, and problem solving, all while fostering a supportive environment that sets clear boundaries. While many approaches rely on rewards and punishments in order for their child to “behave”, this approach focuses on the child and understanding their needs/why they are behaving a certain way. Why would someone want to use any of these techniques? What are the benefits, because it seems like it is “so much work” to do this? Gentle parenting helps build self-regulating skills, increases emotional intelligence, and enhance social skills. It also builds trust and strong parent-child relationships, encourages cooperation and reduces power struggles, and as mentioned before, fosters a positive, safe environment for growth. By having your home be a safe environment for growth, it allows children to make mistakes and learn from them in a positive, adaptive way, which sets a strong foundation for the future.
How does gentle parenting differ from other types of parenting? Psychologists generally believe that there are four main parenting styles: Authoritarian, Permissive, Uninvolved, and Authoritative. Authoritative is the most similar to gentle parenting, as its values involved parents who foster an environment that allows children to make mistakes, while also setting clear boundaries. In contrast, authoritarian parents tend to use harsher punishments and fear-based tactics to achieve the results they want from their children. Children in authoritarian environments tend to be unhappier, less self-sufficient, and have lower self-esteem. Permissive parenting offers very few limits to their children and they have more of a “friend” relationship with their children. They tend to give into what their children want quickly and set few boundaries. Children in this environment often have low levels of self-reliance, dependent on parents, impulsive, and rebellious behaviors. When misunderstood, gentle parenting can be confused with permissive parenting. However, true gentle parenting includes strong boundary setting, which is typically missing in permissive parenting. Uninvolved parenting is what it sounds like. Parents who are uninvolved in their children’s life. While gentle parenting prioritizes connection and active engagement, uninvolved parents do the opposite. Children who grow up with uninvolved parents tend to have poorer mental health, emotional dysregulation, often seek out validation from others, and struggle with low self-esteem/confidence.
According to Sarah Ockwell-Smith, the woman who coined the term “gentle parenting”, here are some common myths and misconceptions about the practice:
- Gentle Parents Don’t Say ‘No’
Gentle parents use “no” to ensure safety and set boundaries but do so mindfully, avoiding overuse. They also redirect behavior and create environments that naturally reduce the need for “no.” - Gentle Parents Don’t Discipline
Gentle parenting focuses on teaching appropriate behavior rather than punishment, using positive, uplifting methods to guide children and model problem-solving. - Gentle Parents Lack Control
Gentle parenting balances control between parent and child. It encourages autonomy in safe ways while maintaining clear limits for essential matters like safety. - Gentle Parents Are Too Indulgent
Gentle parents respond to their children’s needs, not indulgence. They view behaviors like crying or tantrums as calls for connection and address them supportively. - Gentle Parents Are All Stay-at-Home Parents
Gentle parenting is practiced by people from all lifestyles, including working parents with multiple children. - Gentle Parents Are Hippies
Gentle parenting transcends stereotypes. Parents of all beliefs, styles, and backgrounds practice it, unified by a focus on empathy and respect. - Gentle Parents Stifle Independence
Gentle parenting fosters independence by meeting children’s needs and supporting their readiness to detach and explore confidently. - Gentle Parents Raise Fragile Children
Gentle parenting raises resilient children with strong self-esteem and emotional intelligence, better prepared to navigate life’s challenges. - Gentle Parents Create Spoiled Kids
Gentle parenting emphasizes love and emotional support, which foster empathy and security, not entitlement or selfishness. - Gentle Parents Fear Tears
Gentle parents view crying as a healthy emotional expression and support their children through it, instead of dismissing or ignoring it. - Gentle Parenting Is Too Hard on Parents
Gentle parents aren’t perfect; they make mistakes, prioritize self-care, and model “rupture and repair,” promoting a realistic and balanced approach. - Gentle Parents Have Issues
Gentle parents reflect on their own upbringing to break unhealthy cycles, aiming to grow for their children, not through them.
When it comes to practicing gentle parenting, prioritizing empathy and connection is the key. If your child is misbehaving and clearly upset, start by validating your child’s emotions. You can do so by saying “I see you’re upset because it’s time to stop playing” before you start addressing the behavior you want to correct. After that, you can empower them by offering age-appropriate choices, which fosters a sense of independence. Instead of going straight to a punishment, use these moments to teach appropriate behaviors, such as suggesting, “Let’s clean up together so it’s easier to find your toys for tomorrow.” Modeling self-regulation yourself, such as staying calm during a difficult citation, shows your child how to handle emotions constructively. Remember, parents/caregivers are a child’s number one role model. What you do, they will mimic.
Parenting is not easy. Gentle parenting is not about being perfect. It is about striving to understand, connect, and grow with your child. Every single parent faces challenges, but by practicing empathy, setting clear expectations/boundaries with respect, and modeling positive behavior, you are already making a meaningful difference. No one writes a book on how all parents should act, because that doesn’t exist! Parenting is a journey, and even just by reading it, you are already showing that you care, love, and want the best for your family. You’ve got this!
